Someday is today...

Death, dying, long term illness, estate planning, funeral arrangements, cancer, ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), Alzheimer’s, aging.  These are all words that more often than not, cause the body of most human beings to go into the stress/fight or flight mode.  At the very least, they cause uncomfortable squirming.  We are generally not a culture to discuss death and dying – at least here in the United States.   Here in the States, we are more likely to be talking about the next great thing to prevent aging or at least minimize the lines that give away our “experience”.  Depending on where you live, and what is accepted in your culture, your reaction to anything around death can range from an awkward pause to full on denial. 

I have been through a lot of death…at least it feels like it to me!  At 17, I lost a young friend to toxic shock syndrome.  Her parents never recovered.  At 28, I lost my dad to a random, senseless act of gun violence.  A few years later, my mother-in-law passed quickly from lung cancer that we believe was triggered by the shock of her sister dying in the big, 1980’s LA earthquake.  All four of my grandparents passed, of natural causes after having lived, reasonably long full lives.  My husband and best friend of 25 years lost a very courageous sparring match with ALS.  I was 48.  13 months later, I received a frantic call from my sister-in-law asking me to hold her hand as she made arrangements to bury her husband, killed in a freak (seriously freaky!) motorcycle accident.  At 53, I received a breast cancer diagnosis and made the decision to have a mastectomy and support it with alternative medicine options vs. radiation and chemotherapy.  Along the way, I’ve lost pets, friends and acquaintances, as well as supported friends who have lost loved ones.  In many cases, my husband and I had the difficult conversations with our loved ones, to make sure they understood the options available and that their wishes were honored.

In every case, I am grateful for the experience, and have found love, grace, peace and amazing memories that comfort me when I find myself missing those that I have loved. Through the laughter and tears, I wouldn't trade a single minute of this journey with anyone!  I share this and future stories in the hope that the information in my posts will provide the strength and peace of mind you need to organize your friends and loved ones as you navigate the potentially awkward, but necessary conversations on just about everything you need to make your journey memorable.  The goal:  NO regrets at the final moments with someone near and dear to you. My intent is to help you gain the Peace of Mind, which is often elusive in the MOST unsettling time of life.  Remember, I've been through it!  And…I’m still standing; body, soul and most importantly humor, fully intact! 

There is NEVER an easy time to have the conversations discussed here.  You are rarely prepared.  You will feel woefully inadequate. You will experience a bunch of really crazy emotions.  Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone.  We are all making this up as we go along.  If this were not true, you would see a series of How-To DVD’s for sale on late night television!  Learning that you or someone you love has a catastrophic illness is never on the life plans – at least that I know of.  None of my friends have said, I think it would spice things up if my husband got a pancreatic cancer diagnosis – and for laughs let’s see what happens when he’s allergic to chemo; my son will survive a rare stomach ailment; or yeah…the first round of breast cancer didn't quite make it, I think I’ll have another.

I have no medical, spiritual, financial, or therapy training, although I have worked with many of these professionals over the years.  It is my personal belief that many of the difficulties involved in moving through the natural grieving process are the result of regrets:  “I wish I had told them how much they meant to me, now I can’t”; “I never said I was sorry”; “I can’t believe our last words were angry – it was such a stupid argument”; “I always wanted to ask “x” but never found the right time”; “I wish I had spent more time listening”.  And there are so many more.

In 2014, I met with my financial planner Crystal. I love her!!  During the course of our conversation I said “financial planning is a series of good conversations”.  She immediately asked if she could use the phrase with her clients!  After thinking about it, I believe that not only financial planning, but all end of life planning is a series of good conversations.  In this blog, I will share stories of my experiences.  They are mine alone and are NOT a substitute for professional legal, spiritual, or financial counsel from the professionals on your team.  They are meant to inspire you to have the “chats” with your loved ones. To have the good conversations that will allow you to feel grace, grieve/mourn, remember the joy,  and above all --   no regrets!